Minun elämäni on tyhjää. My life is empty. Like this. Empty cup. Empty bottle.

You have children. You have money.

I hate my family.

Dont say that.

I came here to challenge my destiny. To hold in my hand the cards of life.

Thats beautyful.

Is it?

Are you ready to go back now?

I think I die here.

Youre drunk.

Ei.

What?

En mä ole kännissä. This place is… like a dream. You are like a dream. And when I think about my life in Finland it all looks so far away. Like a dream.

Is it a nightmare or a good dream?

Like a story that has ended.

You look so sad.

Tell me your story.

Oh! I have no story. Yet. I’m just a little girl who came here to make a little money.

Nobody is ”just” something. We’re all special. A waitress is as important and interesting as a boss. Maybe I am a bit drunk. Lets get out of this room. Let me buy you dinner and you tell me your story.

You want to play with me.

No… I dont play. When I came here I decided I dont play. Too dangerous. Dont play with fire. Thats what my grandmother always said.

I like playing with fire.

Everybody does.

You have so beautyful face. So innocent and still so dangerous.

Look at all this bright lights illuminating… what? This place is like a dream. Sometimes I think… if you would turn out all these lights and be quiet for a while. Close your eyes and open them – there would be nothing left.

How many days to go? How much money? The game will be over soon and I have to go back. I came here to play some cards, take a vacation, and look what has happened. I have played all my money and met the love of my life. What is there to go back to?

Tell me something about Finland.

It’s a beautyful place. I’m thinking about the winter nights. With all the stars and the temperature way way way below zero. I mean really freezing. More than in the freezer. Nothing moves in the forest. Trees are heavy with snow and you hear this cracking sound inside the trees.

Wow.

There is life but its hidden. And the stars. You can see them so bright in a night like that. And then the summer comes and it’s like a different planet. You jump in to the lake after the sauna and the sun shines all through the night.

Really?

Yes. It’s the midnight sun.

I’d love to see that.

Yes. Me too.

Place your bets.

Dont do it Jorma.

Why not?

He is a professional.

So what. He’s bluffing.

Oh Jorma you are losing.

Look at me. Do I look like a loser?

No.

I raise.

This was a hobby for me. It still is but I’m thinking about turning professional. I’m thinking about moving here. Not going back to Finland.

I have always been haunted with this feeling of emptyness. That nothing really matters. It’s only by table when I get the cards that it all feels like something. That I’m alive. Back there I think it’s a sin. A bad think I should never do. I’ve been trying to get rid of it but hey, life is short and I think I’m just starting to see who I really am. You can’t really choose who you are. I’ve been trying to be something that I’m not. Live the life as it should be lived instead of living it as I have to live it. I’m a player. There’s no fighting against it. I’m born like that. I can cheat. I can risk. And I enjoy it. This is my true self. This is my true home.

It must be hard to leave everything behind like that.

As the matter of fact I have felt for a longer time that it’s just something I’m supposed to do. It’s a relief acyually. Destiny.

I dont know what will happen tomorrow. I just live day by day. Nothing is eternal. Everything changes. Is there a God somewhere? I dont know. Am I a sinner? I’m just this guy playin’ his own game. I have my pain and I have my joy. Just a drop in the ocean. When I feel depressed I take a walk by the sea. Not to forget but to feel how small I am. It sort of puts things in relation. Whisky makes me feel big and alive. The sea makes me feel small. And the game… it makes me feel alive.

I’m new in the circles and I like it that way. They dont know my game. I’m the silent finn you know. I show nothing and I show all. I think that is my game. Well, now I said it.

You know when I’m with you I feel like I’m the center of attention. I felt that with my wife too but in a different way. Like she was always expecting something. Blaming me for something. When I’m with you I feel this inner peace. I mean I dont even know if you are a real person or not but then again… I dont know if I am either. And what is real? What is reality?

I feel like I am losing the touch. Losing my mind. Or rather… losing my body.

I have gathered you together from the pieces I have found. Put you together like a puzzle. You are fiction. And now the pieces are falling apart and I’m afraid what will come behind them. I’ve been moving from lies to lies to lies for so long that I’m lost. I have these flashes you know. Flashes about terrible accidents that could happen at any moment. It’s reality lurking behind this bubble of lies that I’m in. Ready to pop it at any time. And that reality is something so bloody, so violent, big and terrible that I cant handle it. It is rotten, angry. Angry at me because I have left it to rot for so long. The reality itself is after me. I cant tell what is true in my life and what is not. Are my emotions that I feel with my children more true than… you. At moments like this I feel like killing myself. Shooting my head. Letting my brain come out on the floor. Taking violently out what is in. Make together the outside and the inside. Peace at last. Harmony. To be conscious equals to being outside. To be disconnected.

I’m part of nothing. I’m drifting out in the space.